I love you so much, then won’t you die if loving me a little for repayment?

A friend said.

I changed it to another kind of expression.

You love me so much, then will I die if loving you a little for a while?

Huh, just for kidding.

Staying alone at the apartment makes me feel so blue.

It’s quiet in the room.

So is the outside.

It’s boring.

For the present job, I don’t like it. I like the industry, not this position. It’s tiring and nothing.

Every night, peering into the computer, I think about making some measures to get changes. I don’t want to fool around like this all the time. I also have ambition.

Further education or job-hopping?

I love schooling.

When I don’t know what to do, I will reinstall the applications after downloading newer editions.

I also love it.

I took a Canon DC with me on the way to travelling. I also got a high capacity memory card and two batteries for backup. I wished to record seeing and feelings. But I didn’t turn on the power of camera frequently as ever days. Apparently, there are a lot of free space existing in the memory card after I got back. It could even be imagined to “empty”.

I took not many photos within the trip, while lots of words spoken out. Even though it’s a fact, here I still want to express the contents with the help of photos, not sentences. I know these photos can’t cover everything in my days. I would still like to do this.

I have modified the photos. The color was changed. I chose grey and vague surfaces. Why I didn’t keep the original color?

Because I called them memories, FADE-AWAY MEMORIES.

Sorry, I just forgot to press the shutter.

Leave here.

Leave Beijing.

Getting on a taxi to the train station, I leave.

I'm not willing.

I go quietly.

--from mobile phone on a train

No move. No promotion. There’s no change in several months. Come on! Please go. Don’t stop.

Unexpectedly, just a minute ago, I found there’s no entries posted last month to another space of me. Nothing done in a month. I even didn’t noticed it. How time flies! I’ve no idea about it.

I wouldn’t like to get haircut before promoting back to office again. I’ve been waiting. I don’t know whether I can do that really. It’s my dream. It's my word.

You didn’t read my entries. You didn’t browse my space. You didn’t concern about me.

Some of you did; some didn’t. Actually. So that it doesn’t matter I write or not.

Few see the URL.

I’ve been unhappy for two months. I’ve not been close to you for two months.

I wouldn’t touch you.

Then gradually, everyone gets itself in some relationship.

What about me?

You smoked the ESSE in you fingers, and then unexpectedly asked me for CHUNGHUA in my pocket. Of course, in the dream. You smoke the ESSE cigarettes which I got in your writing. But you don’t like me smoking. Cause you don’t like the smoke and taste. Every time you see the smoke around, you always try driving it away with you hand. And meanwhile, there’s no smile on your face any more. That’s it.

So I don’t smoke if you are there. I don’t want to see your smile away. Actually, I seldom smoke. Health, price and some other reasons. I do it mostly for social activities.

Tonight, three poor men, three packs of cigarettes; two boring men, eight bottles of beer. That’s what we were doing.

I wanted to call you. I was very sober. I was fine. But I didn’t dial the familiar number. You know why? Every time I call you when I drink wine outside, then you think I’ve been high. Don’t you think I don’t need to embolden myself with alcohol? I just don’t say those things many times. It doesn’t mean I don’t dare to do that.

I can tell what I have in my mind. If it’s must, I will do that. It’s not about timidity.

I can’t imagine the look of you smoking privately.

I want to see it.

Last night, you held me in the arms several times. I wasn’t sure whether it’s by the effect of alcohol. Actually, you drank a little according to your capacity.

I heard you said a sentence on the phone with someone, “It's not the wine that intoxicates but the drinker who gets himself drunk.”

You knew males and females should be treated differently, so you didn’t get drunk; you wanted to get my hug, it seemed you were drunk, I thought.

I didn’t know whether you were drunk or not. But, you threw up, really and painfully. We all know that one who needs a gastroscope can’t drink freely even if his capacity is great. Human beings are not made of iron, while rice can’t be steel.

You said that loving two people at the same time didn’t mean love. Well, I was wrong. That’s not love, just liking someone. But I really have “like”. May I?

You got a stomachache cause of the wine. You said you wanted coffee. So we went into the coffee shop. I ordered a cup of Blue Mountain for you while you went to the rest room. You drank a little in the shop. Then we went out. You walked and I also walked while taking this cup of coffee even in a taxi. It’s not odd that I changed the message of my IM client to “crossed over half of the city with a cup of coffee”. We all laughed while reading this message. Yes, I never thought about walking with coffee.

This cup of bitter coffee which took 30 yuan wasn’t sweet at all thought so much sugar added. It should be bitter, right? We were buying bitter somehow.

Embracing you is always my wish. I admitted I wished to pet you then. However, when the embrace really came, I did nothing with my hands except physiological reaction. I got hesitated. I was quiet.

Maybe you were really drunk and so cared little.

I remembered it’s not allowed to touch your back ever.

You heart got drunk.

Seeing you get hurt and throw up,  I was hurt, too.

When you are sober, would you still hug me? Tell me.

You lay peacefully. I just watched you but did nothing. It must be more comfortable to lay on bed than do it on the wet grassplot.

So I could set my heart rest. I promised I would look after you. Although you asked me whether I would take care of you, and you said you ever attended me, not matter what happened, I would never leave you where you were. Because I had come.

I would take you.

At this time, you still remembered you ever took me home one night when I drank so much. Clear memories.

I’d like to say, whatever you said, I just did what I should do. I didn’t treat this as the return.

You know I will always hold you, hug you, coil your hair and hand over water and handkerchiefs. I’ll do that as long as it’s necessary. Just like I took that coffee, while I knew you wouldn’t have it.

In fact, this evening, I was a bit of high. I felt dizzy on my way to you at that time. Just two bottles of Tsingtao. But I had been being not good.

You said it’s understandable to have some body contacts when men and women drank too much.

So, it’s really just a habit.

I missed it.

I meant to watch this solar eclipse together with you today. The news report said it comes every 500 years. Luckily, I didn’t need to go to work today. I decided to watch it. It must be very beautiful, I thought. Last week, I’ve decided to call you to enjoy this with me. It’s my plan.

But God played a joke on me. The report said the total solar eclipse would brought darkness to many places along the upper reaches of China's longest river, the Yangtze. And the city I live was not in the list of viewing cities. So I took it for granted that in this city I couldn’t see this great scene. So I slept when the solar eclipse occurred. However, in fact, there was darkness when the solar eclipse came.

I was stupid. I didn’t know it until you asked me whether I got up to see it after a few hours when we met. At that time, I knew I missed it. I regretted and blamed you for not telling me to be with you. You just replied, “Why did I need to call you to be together with me?” Yes, why did you? There’s no why.

Comparing with each other, we’re not in the same place of the other’s affection. This reason could explain it well. It also indicates there will be no good outcome. Since the total solar eclipse come to the earth every 500 years, it means I miss it forever. There’s no chance.

I missed it. Meanwhile, I’ve already missed you.

I just can’t accept seeing you run away.

It’s hot for a few weeks. Very hot. And my body has been burning by the hot weather. I don’t want to say any word. I don’t want to eat anything. There’s nothing I need. I’m trapped in chaos.

Now I find that you must learn to bear something. Experience is wealth. They told me. Or they use it to comfort me.

It’s easy for us to meet troubles. Failure can be easily “made” by us. Especially when we are growing up. Is that right?

Now I’m being so low. I want to get some changing. I don’t like the working environment for the time being. But what I only hear is chance will get to me, but please be patient to wait.

I’m still naive.

Sometimes, I’m disappointed. I know I can’t be. But it’s hard to control your mind while being tortured.

I’d like to share every word with you. And you just said some words and then disappeared. You’re busy. I robbed your time.

Sorry.

I’m not fine.

I’m not good.

I’m being the lowest.

It’s not easy to perform well at work. Office things are so complicated. How could I finish my job with a satisfying result? I need good endings. I need happiness. I don’t want to be looked down.

It’s not easy to do this kind of job. I get little after working in this city for a year.

Maybe it’s a fault to come here and work for this.

Now I find out that.

Life is so… like this. When I occurred to you, I was not there. When you occurred to me, I couldn’t get you, either. The difference is, I always wish to be there in my mind; but you, get away sometimes “on purpose”. You often make me be aware that I’m also brought to mind by you sometimes after you do it. I was not lucky, ain’t I?

That’s reality. That’s life. That’s who we are. We can’t catch the chance every time.

You mentioned it’s your favorite song. Yes, I believe it. It’s easy to hear love and passion from this song. It’s positive.

In some days, maybe a few weeks, I won’t be able to see you every day. At that time, you will start a new life. While to me, missing added and faith lost.

20090627

03:04 I just can’t fall asleep.

07:42 What happened? You were there even at 3 am. 

09:42 You seldom got up early like today.

14:27 Miss you.  But you didn't reply.

14:28 Reply what?

14:28 You said nothing.

14:28 Ain’t I talking?

14:29  Waited so long.

14:28 You was not to be on the initiative. So you wanted me to be first?

14:29 I did, but no response.

14:34 Isn't it my response?

14:34 So long. What made you sit up to 3 am?

14:37 Drinking so much.

14:38 You seldom drink.

14:38 Happy. And sad.

14:38 I'm about to leave.

14:38 I played happily last night.

14:38 Drinking could help nothing.

20090628

12:16 What about going out for dinner?

12:16  Dating me?

12:18 It's natural to ask you to dinner.

12:18 OK.

12:31 I drank some last night, but just a little.

12:33 That's so nice. We go on tonight.

12:34 Don't lie.

12:34 No lie. We’ll drink as much as we can tonight.

12:35 OK.

13:44 Do I look like an undergrown girl?

13:47 No.

It’s too hard, I find.

I don’t know how long I can hang on more. I’m working hard to make myself get used to the rhythm of this kind of work. I want to get familiar with this job as soon as possible. I’d like to do it well very much. 

Till now, I don’t still find a good way to carry through my work.

I feel pressure and worry existing everywhere and every second. No one tells me any method to handle it. I haven’t found the right orbit, either.

Does this position fit me?

Broke up, you typed this phrase out next to your QQ nickname. That’s what you were telling.

I saw it while having supper with a big bowl of rice. I couldn’t believe what I saw. So I called you. On the phone, you sounded very quiet. It seemed nothing happening. No one could feel any difference. You were still the one you ever were on the line. Without any evidence, you broke up with someone. Maybe we were outsiders, so we didn't see the evidence. And you told me that’s true.

Oh, yes, it’s really true. Whether I believed it or not. The fact did exist.

I tried to say something to comfort you. But you said you are OK. I said I could come and be with you. But you said it’s not necessary.

That phrase gave me a big surprise. And then your peaceful behavior gave me another surprise. Your heart mustn’t be peaceful. But you showed very strong appearance. That’s painful.

You’re special.

I know it’s not easy to handle this.

You just asked for personal space. You’re much more mature on this kind of things than me.

But what can I say?

I just know I care a lot about you. I’ve told you. Besides, I couldn’t make it clear.

It’s complex for me. It’s hard to tell which side I am on. I have no idea what result is the best. I hope you could be happy every minute. I also don’t want to see you far away from me. Impossible to be together and not willing to give it up. That’s the point. On this point, you can say I’m selfish. It’s difficult to find a way which can give both of us happiness. As far as we see, the best choice is to keep everything between us stable. We can talk. We can walk. We can play. That’s enough, right?

Feelings sometimes are complex. You know what you think is not right. But you can’t stop it. You can’t get it under control.

I don’t know what the hell makes me care about everything you do and every word you tell. It’s magic. It’s mysterious.

It’s so nice to smell you and see you smiling.

I want to kill my feelings and focus on work. Burying the body in my work can make me forget someone and something temporarily. But it only works for a few hours. When my head gets back to be free, I fall into missing it again.

I would like to say people always wish to get something. They don’t know whether they deserve it. They don’t know whether they do the right thing. That’s because they can’t be satisfied. Never.

Complex feelings hurt me a lot. Is it greedy for me?

Are you really all right?

Why God favors me so many of these things?

I wish to be a stone. Then I would not torture me with filling these in my mind.

Everything comes back to the earth.

Let time smooth all of them. 

I got a promotion. I supposed to be excited. People around me thought it good.

But I was not.

The new position is Corporate Relationship Manager. What the hell is it? I have no idea.

I could have got a better one. Something happened and I made a mistake. It made my competition weakened. People thought I was unlucky. So did I. I just met it. So I was involved.

Saying anything couldn't be helpful. The fact is it happened. No one could ignore it.

Some told me not to be low. They said I should do the work well and then I would get what I should have got. The problem was just time waiting, they said.

God gave me a hard cheese to enjoy. I could only complain about it that  way. I admitted that I was lack of a little bit of luck.

Now I'm waiting for handover. Then I will begin on my new position. At that time, I will have my own office and resources. That's a completely different beginning. It means I have to do everything from zero.

Everything is new again.

One day, I could stand in a house and look outside with you.

Owing a house by myself is a beautiful dream.

What you get is just a house after hard-working a whole life period.

What is happening between us?

What happened to you? And what to me then?

You might make me want nothing or nobody.

I’m not sure about it.

I’ve told many people that I just want to get out of the working place as soon as possible every day. I don’t want any more.

But few believe it.

What are you thinking about?

You stopped. I stopped. Then we stopped.

You didn’t talk. I didn’t talk. Then we had no talk.

Neither would break the ice.

After that, we are done?

We both thought a lot, but talked less.

Close distance didn’t mean close feelings.

You closed the door on me. I felt black.

Sad!

Oh, my God!

Save me!

What does it mean if a girl kills time in a bar? Do you want to see a girl who stands at your side indulging herself in pubbing?

It’s personal. It’s private. It’s someone’s business. I know that.

I just can’t forget about it. I don’t know how to let it be.

So, why I care?

It’s none of my business. It’s one’s choice. It’s one’s own right. It’s the life style which one chooses itself. How was I involved? Am I qualified? It’s not right to intervene in someone’s private life, is it?

People can choose any of them as they wish.

Then, whom I care?

I think it’s something about care. Caring about you or something like that. You may not agree. In my deep heart, I ask myself, whom the hell I care, you or myself? I guess it’s about you. Maybe it’s because of thought from my head, finally.

In fact, what I care about is the feeling when I care about you. It sounds a little bit selfish. Yes, you can think with that way.

Sometimes, at this point, I’m failed. I thought I knew you. I could help you. I could give you support. Unfortunately, the fact is, I made a mistake.

I even don’t know what you need on earth. I don’t understand you. Otherwise, I would be able to know why you had to go clubbing.

It’s seems I know nothing about providing what you are thirsty for. It proves completely wrong that I spend time accompanying you. Obviously, I was wasting time. I was committing a crime. That’s because I didn’t give what you need but forced you to accept what you disliked.

I’m so eager to make it clear that why you chose to be a barfly. What could it take to you? Did it make you feel comfortable?

I thought it was noisy there. Now there must be other shining points. Something must be very attractive there. Is it lovely there?

I could talk to you. I could listen to you. I took it for granted.

You didn’t talk to me. You talked to other people. Because I couldn’t be a qualified listener?

You said you felt lonely always. I know it. But sorry, I didn’t be able to help you kill loneliness. It’s hard.

I wish I could hit myself on the face heavily for that I couldn't help you get out of this.

You said you didn’t mean to accept the invitation. You said you would leave in thirty minutes. You said you would go to sleep at ten. I believed that. I should have bethought of it. I was ready at the beginning. I just don’t want to believe it’s true. You know that.

The fact I didn’t want to see it happen most happened after all. Now it’s changed into me. I prefer the word of solitude. Because it’s from Latin.

I didn’t know what to say. It appeared to me that I was falling into a bottomless abyss and so many swords flied to stab me into my breast straight.

Why are you addicted to indulge yourself? Why not cherish the body and soul?

Tell me, if that’s your exclusive living style which can comfort you.

Then it wouldn’t be blamed if it really was.

I’m feeling that I’ve been trapped with a mess. Something could send me a mess. So could someone. Everything around me is in a situation of disorder. I can strongly feel it.

Everyday, I have been beaten by boring work. I’m really very tired, mentally and physically. I’m exhausted, nearly. However, I still “want” to get into some other affairs. Apparently, those affairs are impossible to see them come true. It’s impossible. But I still mean them. I always waste time on hard people and things. I always convey hot temperature to someone who doesn’t do it as much as you.

Unilateral devotion, I found a proper phrase. This unfair missing style would do unfairly to that person, many say. But I couldn’t blame anyone except myself. No one asked me to fall into it. I did it myself.

I wanted to stop to contact someone via SMS or phone calling, even if for one day. But the fact told me once and once again, I can’t do that. It’s too hard. Without any response, I’m more eager to get it clear. So, I’m hurting myself. Is it suicide?

How should one go to find the other right one? Where the hell she is?

If you were, you would tell me seriously, wouldn’t you? Please don’t torture me. I never played with this kind of things. I’m always serious. You can see it in my eyes.

What were you doing? Show me a message. Let me feel it.

What is imagination? And what is reality then? What is it between us? What do you treat it as? What’s your difference?

Someone a little help! I’m scared of waiting and guessing. That’s suffering.

Now, at this very time, I wish the childhood could stay still. Then I wouldn’t need to make life complex.

I’ve lost a lot.