I took a Canon DC with me on the way to travelling. I also got a high capacity memory card and two batteries for backup. I wished to record seeing and feelings. But I didn’t turn on the power of camera frequently as ever days. Apparently, there are a lot of free space existing in the memory card after I got back. It could even be imagined to “empty”.

I took not many photos within the trip, while lots of words spoken out. Even though it’s a fact, here I still want to express the contents with the help of photos, not sentences. I know these photos can’t cover everything in my days. I would still like to do this.

I have modified the photos. The color was changed. I chose grey and vague surfaces. Why I didn’t keep the original color?

Because I called them memories, FADE-AWAY MEMORIES.

Sorry, I just forgot to press the shutter.

You smoked the ESSE in you fingers, and then unexpectedly asked me for CHUNGHUA in my pocket. Of course, in the dream. You smoke the ESSE cigarettes which I got in your writing. But you don’t like me smoking. Cause you don’t like the smoke and taste. Every time you see the smoke around, you always try driving it away with you hand. And meanwhile, there’s no smile on your face any more. That’s it.

So I don’t smoke if you are there. I don’t want to see your smile away. Actually, I seldom smoke. Health, price and some other reasons. I do it mostly for social activities.

Tonight, three poor men, three packs of cigarettes; two boring men, eight bottles of beer. That’s what we were doing.

I wanted to call you. I was very sober. I was fine. But I didn’t dial the familiar number. You know why? Every time I call you when I drink wine outside, then you think I’ve been high. Don’t you think I don’t need to embolden myself with alcohol? I just don’t say those things many times. It doesn’t mean I don’t dare to do that.

I can tell what I have in my mind. If it’s must, I will do that. It’s not about timidity.

I can’t imagine the look of you smoking privately.

I want to see it.

Last night, you held me in the arms several times. I wasn’t sure whether it’s by the effect of alcohol. Actually, you drank a little according to your capacity.

I heard you said a sentence on the phone with someone, “It's not the wine that intoxicates but the drinker who gets himself drunk.”

You knew males and females should be treated differently, so you didn’t get drunk; you wanted to get my hug, it seemed you were drunk, I thought.

I didn’t know whether you were drunk or not. But, you threw up, really and painfully. We all know that one who needs a gastroscope can’t drink freely even if his capacity is great. Human beings are not made of iron, while rice can’t be steel.

You said that loving two people at the same time didn’t mean love. Well, I was wrong. That’s not love, just liking someone. But I really have “like”. May I?

You got a stomachache cause of the wine. You said you wanted coffee. So we went into the coffee shop. I ordered a cup of Blue Mountain for you while you went to the rest room. You drank a little in the shop. Then we went out. You walked and I also walked while taking this cup of coffee even in a taxi. It’s not odd that I changed the message of my IM client to “crossed over half of the city with a cup of coffee”. We all laughed while reading this message. Yes, I never thought about walking with coffee.

This cup of bitter coffee which took 30 yuan wasn’t sweet at all thought so much sugar added. It should be bitter, right? We were buying bitter somehow.

Embracing you is always my wish. I admitted I wished to pet you then. However, when the embrace really came, I did nothing with my hands except physiological reaction. I got hesitated. I was quiet.

Maybe you were really drunk and so cared little.

I remembered it’s not allowed to touch your back ever.

You heart got drunk.

Seeing you get hurt and throw up,  I was hurt, too.

When you are sober, would you still hug me? Tell me.

You lay peacefully. I just watched you but did nothing. It must be more comfortable to lay on bed than do it on the wet grassplot.

So I could set my heart rest. I promised I would look after you. Although you asked me whether I would take care of you, and you said you ever attended me, not matter what happened, I would never leave you where you were. Because I had come.

I would take you.

At this time, you still remembered you ever took me home one night when I drank so much. Clear memories.

I’d like to say, whatever you said, I just did what I should do. I didn’t treat this as the return.

You know I will always hold you, hug you, coil your hair and hand over water and handkerchiefs. I’ll do that as long as it’s necessary. Just like I took that coffee, while I knew you wouldn’t have it.

In fact, this evening, I was a bit of high. I felt dizzy on my way to you at that time. Just two bottles of Tsingtao. But I had been being not good.

You said it’s understandable to have some body contacts when men and women drank too much.

So, it’s really just a habit.

Life is so… like this. When I occurred to you, I was not there. When you occurred to me, I couldn’t get you, either. The difference is, I always wish to be there in my mind; but you, get away sometimes “on purpose”. You often make me be aware that I’m also brought to mind by you sometimes after you do it. I was not lucky, ain’t I?

That’s reality. That’s life. That’s who we are. We can’t catch the chance every time.

You mentioned it’s your favorite song. Yes, I believe it. It’s easy to hear love and passion from this song. It’s positive.

In some days, maybe a few weeks, I won’t be able to see you every day. At that time, you will start a new life. While to me, missing added and faith lost.

20090627

03:04 I just can’t fall asleep.

07:42 What happened? You were there even at 3 am. 

09:42 You seldom got up early like today.

14:27 Miss you.  But you didn't reply.

14:28 Reply what?

14:28 You said nothing.

14:28 Ain’t I talking?

14:29  Waited so long.

14:28 You was not to be on the initiative. So you wanted me to be first?

14:29 I did, but no response.

14:34 Isn't it my response?

14:34 So long. What made you sit up to 3 am?

14:37 Drinking so much.

14:38 You seldom drink.

14:38 Happy. And sad.

14:38 I'm about to leave.

14:38 I played happily last night.

14:38 Drinking could help nothing.

20090628

12:16 What about going out for dinner?

12:16  Dating me?

12:18 It's natural to ask you to dinner.

12:18 OK.

12:31 I drank some last night, but just a little.

12:33 That's so nice. We go on tonight.

12:34 Don't lie.

12:34 No lie. We’ll drink as much as we can tonight.

12:35 OK.

13:44 Do I look like an undergrown girl?

13:47 No.

Broke up, you typed this phrase out next to your QQ nickname. That’s what you were telling.

I saw it while having supper with a big bowl of rice. I couldn’t believe what I saw. So I called you. On the phone, you sounded very quiet. It seemed nothing happening. No one could feel any difference. You were still the one you ever were on the line. Without any evidence, you broke up with someone. Maybe we were outsiders, so we didn't see the evidence. And you told me that’s true.

Oh, yes, it’s really true. Whether I believed it or not. The fact did exist.

I tried to say something to comfort you. But you said you are OK. I said I could come and be with you. But you said it’s not necessary.

That phrase gave me a big surprise. And then your peaceful behavior gave me another surprise. Your heart mustn’t be peaceful. But you showed very strong appearance. That’s painful.

You’re special.

I know it’s not easy to handle this.

You just asked for personal space. You’re much more mature on this kind of things than me.

But what can I say?

I just know I care a lot about you. I’ve told you. Besides, I couldn’t make it clear.

It’s complex for me. It’s hard to tell which side I am on. I have no idea what result is the best. I hope you could be happy every minute. I also don’t want to see you far away from me. Impossible to be together and not willing to give it up. That’s the point. On this point, you can say I’m selfish. It’s difficult to find a way which can give both of us happiness. As far as we see, the best choice is to keep everything between us stable. We can talk. We can walk. We can play. That’s enough, right?

Feelings sometimes are complex. You know what you think is not right. But you can’t stop it. You can’t get it under control.

I don’t know what the hell makes me care about everything you do and every word you tell. It’s magic. It’s mysterious.

It’s so nice to smell you and see you smiling.

I want to kill my feelings and focus on work. Burying the body in my work can make me forget someone and something temporarily. But it only works for a few hours. When my head gets back to be free, I fall into missing it again.

I would like to say people always wish to get something. They don’t know whether they deserve it. They don’t know whether they do the right thing. That’s because they can’t be satisfied. Never.

Complex feelings hurt me a lot. Is it greedy for me?

Are you really all right?

Why God favors me so many of these things?

I wish to be a stone. Then I would not torture me with filling these in my mind.

Everything comes back to the earth.

Let time smooth all of them. 

What does it mean if a girl kills time in a bar? Do you want to see a girl who stands at your side indulging herself in pubbing?

It’s personal. It’s private. It’s someone’s business. I know that.

I just can’t forget about it. I don’t know how to let it be.

So, why I care?

It’s none of my business. It’s one’s choice. It’s one’s own right. It’s the life style which one chooses itself. How was I involved? Am I qualified? It’s not right to intervene in someone’s private life, is it?

People can choose any of them as they wish.

Then, whom I care?

I think it’s something about care. Caring about you or something like that. You may not agree. In my deep heart, I ask myself, whom the hell I care, you or myself? I guess it’s about you. Maybe it’s because of thought from my head, finally.

In fact, what I care about is the feeling when I care about you. It sounds a little bit selfish. Yes, you can think with that way.

Sometimes, at this point, I’m failed. I thought I knew you. I could help you. I could give you support. Unfortunately, the fact is, I made a mistake.

I even don’t know what you need on earth. I don’t understand you. Otherwise, I would be able to know why you had to go clubbing.

It’s seems I know nothing about providing what you are thirsty for. It proves completely wrong that I spend time accompanying you. Obviously, I was wasting time. I was committing a crime. That’s because I didn’t give what you need but forced you to accept what you disliked.

I’m so eager to make it clear that why you chose to be a barfly. What could it take to you? Did it make you feel comfortable?

I thought it was noisy there. Now there must be other shining points. Something must be very attractive there. Is it lovely there?

I could talk to you. I could listen to you. I took it for granted.

You didn’t talk to me. You talked to other people. Because I couldn’t be a qualified listener?

You said you felt lonely always. I know it. But sorry, I didn’t be able to help you kill loneliness. It’s hard.

I wish I could hit myself on the face heavily for that I couldn't help you get out of this.

You said you didn’t mean to accept the invitation. You said you would leave in thirty minutes. You said you would go to sleep at ten. I believed that. I should have bethought of it. I was ready at the beginning. I just don’t want to believe it’s true. You know that.

The fact I didn’t want to see it happen most happened after all. Now it’s changed into me. I prefer the word of solitude. Because it’s from Latin.

I didn’t know what to say. It appeared to me that I was falling into a bottomless abyss and so many swords flied to stab me into my breast straight.

Why are you addicted to indulge yourself? Why not cherish the body and soul?

Tell me, if that’s your exclusive living style which can comfort you.

Then it wouldn’t be blamed if it really was.

I’m feeling that I’ve been trapped with a mess. Something could send me a mess. So could someone. Everything around me is in a situation of disorder. I can strongly feel it.

Everyday, I have been beaten by boring work. I’m really very tired, mentally and physically. I’m exhausted, nearly. However, I still “want” to get into some other affairs. Apparently, those affairs are impossible to see them come true. It’s impossible. But I still mean them. I always waste time on hard people and things. I always convey hot temperature to someone who doesn’t do it as much as you.

Unilateral devotion, I found a proper phrase. This unfair missing style would do unfairly to that person, many say. But I couldn’t blame anyone except myself. No one asked me to fall into it. I did it myself.

I wanted to stop to contact someone via SMS or phone calling, even if for one day. But the fact told me once and once again, I can’t do that. It’s too hard. Without any response, I’m more eager to get it clear. So, I’m hurting myself. Is it suicide?

How should one go to find the other right one? Where the hell she is?

If you were, you would tell me seriously, wouldn’t you? Please don’t torture me. I never played with this kind of things. I’m always serious. You can see it in my eyes.

What were you doing? Show me a message. Let me feel it.

What is imagination? And what is reality then? What is it between us? What do you treat it as? What’s your difference?

Someone a little help! I’m scared of waiting and guessing. That’s suffering.

Now, at this very time, I wish the childhood could stay still. Then I wouldn’t need to make life complex.

I’ve lost a lot.

When 9 o’clock comes, on February 19th in Chinese lunar calendar, I say Happy Birthday to you.

It’s your 23rd birthday. 23 years of life belongs to you. Those memories, sweet or sad ones, all belong to you.

Now they are all gone with the sunrise and sunset we see every day. A new day has come to you.

Whatever it takes, be happy and positive.

Come to feel my best wishes here.

Sorry, I was drunken. 

In a restaurant, in the evening of Valentine's Day, I got drunken. That should have been a beautiful evening, I think.

I didn't know what exact time I began to be drunken. I didn't know what I were doing and saying while drunken. I didn't know when I was taken home and by whom. I didn't know what I did through the whole night? I just knew I drank three bottles of white wine, almost half a kilogram. It exceeded my limit too much.

I'm really sorry about that, baby. I didn't mean to make it happen. I thought I was able to handle those damned bottles. But the fact is, I couldn't finish that. I did it, but not successfully at last. The alcohol cheated my head. It didn't tell my the truth that I couldn't drank such much until I lost control of myself. Neither the body nor the mind. It made me get in an unconscious situation. How terrible it was!

Till several minutes past nine, the next morning, I waked up and got my consciousness back difficultly. Meanwhile, the bad headache came. It really hurt me with a whole day long.

I found I was lying on the bed of my house. I didn't know why. So I called some who I had the dinner with last night. After making some phone calls, I almost knew what happened after I got drunken last night. And I was also told that who helped me home. But for what I did and what I said on earth, they said little.

That's what I want to make it clear.

Because I could feel that something changing after that evening. I am still who I am. However, maybe, I am not what I always am in someone's eyes. Or I did something that someone didn't want me to do. I might say something that someone didn't want me to say. I must have done things someone dislikes. What I said from the mouth probably hurt someone. Something happened on me make someone hate me somewhat. It must be something.

I could feel the difference, absolutely. Even the taste of the air. It's the different attitude someone takes of towards me that makes me upset. How it came into being?

So baby, please tell me what the hell I said to you that night. You know I was being drunken, so if did something that made you get into some embarrassment, please forgive me.

Was I wrong? What is my fault? Tell me. Then I will tell you it's not from my true mind at all.

"Do you know I care a lot for you?"

"Just be with me for another minute, please!"

I just remember these two sentences. I didn't know how many times I repeated them when you were with me. These were what I said at that time while being drunken. And they are also what I want to say any minute, when I am clear-headed.

Whatever I said at that time, if I mean it, I really meant it; if I don't mean it, then I didn't mean it. I just want you to make sure of it. You must know what I would like to tell you. So forget about those words you don't want to hear. Let them go.

Although I can't remember the details when you were together with me by my side, I really enjoy those moments. I'll remember the hours when you hugged me and kept me from more deeply pains. That will be a piece of memory that I can't tell the details about it, while I know it really exists.

If it could happen again, I wish I would stay with you peacefully without saying any word. Nothing is better than leaning close to you in your bosom.

I know there must be something so that I let you down.

I'm listening to a sad song for the whole night. I don't wish to feel your message of saying goodbye.

"Do you like wine?" 

"Yes, really."

"Do you trust me?"

"Why I doubt?"

In the last entry, I promised that I would talked about First Kiss seriously and formally. That's true. Now, I'll write something about what I think about that First Kiss.

While you type the two words FIRST KISS in Google, you will find many interesting things. Especially for me, a poor man who doesn't know what kiss is. Even, it teaches how to have a first kiss.

So buddies, did you ever have a kiss?

If did, when did you have your first kiss? Whom you kissed? Where it occurred? Were you kissing or being kissed at that time? How did you feel? How it happened and continued?

If not, like me, don't be depressed. Then do you look forward to it? Are you ready to kiss or be kissed? Is there a special someone that you want to kiss? When will you have it according to your expectation?

Sorry, so many questions. Just curious.

Why human beings kiss? How they kiss? What can kiss give them? I always think about that.

Many people around me had the first kiss, though they're not elder than me. Sometimes, I asked them about the feeling of kissing someone or being kissed by someone when I was bored. Everyone told me his feeling. They all sounds attractive. And of course, different. Anyway, I can get a signal that the kissing process is so nice that you are eager to have it.

Is that true?

When I have it, I will be able to see whether it's true or not. Then I can prove it, I think.

Unfortunately, I searched for some pages before writing this entry. It impressed the pictures and words on my mind. Now that I can't say more points about this kiss, I'd like to copy some short paragraphs about kiss here. I'll tell something meaningful once I have it. I promise.

By the way, Happy Valentine's Day as the day comes.

HOW TO HAVE A FIRST KISS?

If you haven't yet experienced your first kiss, it can be a daunting challenge. For the purposes of this article, we're going to pretend we're all heterosexual, but apply the tips as you like!

Steps

Girls

1. Have a mint. Make sure you are kissably fresh.
2. Lean in and make eye contact. Lean your head on your guy's shoulder as if you are about to fall asleep. Look up at him - if his arm goes around to let you in, go for the kiss. If not, or or he doesn't seem to be taking things the same way you are, he might not be ready yet. Just relax for now.
3. Look at his lips. Drop your gaze and your eyelids to half mast, then slowly, look back up at him and give him a little welcoming smile.
4. Relax and be at ease about it. If he doesn't go for the kiss, accept it and don't push. Wait for another moment, either later in the date, or another time.
5. Let him know you want to kiss. Reaching up to twine your arms around his neck, or lightly play with the hair at his neckline will let him know you are ready to get up close and personal.
6. Take the lead. Some guys are very shy. Even those who aren't have been drilled over and over about unwelcome touching. Consider lightly kissing him on the cheek to show him that you're okay with touch. Guys have a reputation as being pervs, but a lot of boys worry about going too far.
7. Invite him to kiss you. Yep, some boys really do need an engraved invitation. Let's say you've tried to show him you're ready, and he looks interested, but you just can't get him to (A) let you kiss him, or (B) kiss you, then just ask him, "Couldn't we just be kissing right now?" If he doesn't kiss you then, he isn't going to.

Guys

1. Don't be Shy Girls want you to kiss them. If you like a girl, tell her you love her if you didn't tell her that yet.
2. Have a mint. Make sure you are kissably fresh.
3. Respect her privacy. Most girls will not want to make out in front of others, especially if this is her first kiss. Find the right time when you can be alone. Privacy is the key.
4. Watch for signals. Watch carefully, because sometimes the signals can be confusing - she may flirt with you, then smack you on the head. These may just be coy games, or she may really be conflicted. Ask yourself these questions: Did you and your date seem to have a cozy, warm, close time together? Has she been flirting with you through body language? Has she licked her lips, or bit her lower lip while looking at you? Has she found excuses to touch you often? If you feel confident of these things, prepare to kiss!
5. Make eye contact. If she is comfortable and doesn't look away then she is ready.
6. Lean in slowly. Don't swoop in like a condor! Make it slow, nice, easy, romantic.
7. Hold her. Do not use a first kiss as your personal excuse to grope, grab, or get too familiar. Be a gentleman, for heaven's sake. Reach around her waist, gently draw her toward you (again, gentlemen, do not squish her up against you and then grind your pelvis against her).
8. Look into her eyes. Notice how we mention eye contact twice? Very important, amigo. Let her know that you are really seeing her.
9. Look at her lips. Aim, dude. Make sure you know where you're going. Lean in, and go in for the kiss.
10. Walk that fine line and make it a really excellent kiss. You don't want to give her a chaste little peck. You also don't want to (well, you may want to, but don't!) shove your tongue down her throat. An excellent first kiss is one that is romantic, tender and memorable. Your mouth should not be overly opened or closed, and it shouldn't be mushy or too tight (relax). Don't let it go too long (more than, say, 20 seconds) or let it be too short (3 seconds is not enough) - think around 10 seconds or so. A tiny hint of tongue is nice if she seems willing, but make it flirtatious and not insistent.
11. Wait for her response. Just remain silent and smile, better yet hug her, ending the first kiss in a lovely, intimate moment.

Tips

• Keep in mind that many are shy about kissing -- but this doesn't mean they don't want to kiss you. Pay attention to body language. If you think your someone might be suffering from this ailment, try kissing them! Just be mindful of their reaction. If they pull away, or are surprised or otherwise not interested in the kiss, be mature about it and don't take it personally. You can try again later unless you are rebuffed flat out.
• Carry Lip balm, or lip gloss (preferably lip balm)
• The fastest way to have a first kiss is just to get close to the person and kiss them. Most people won't complain. However, it is more fun if you spend an intimate evening with that person first.
• A good way to have a first kiss is the "coward's date" -- going to a movie. Simple, but effective. Hopefully your crush will hold your hand - everyone has hormones, after all - and then you gradually get closer until you're as close as you can be without kissing. She/he should get the message soon, and if she/he doesn't, perhaps she/he's just not ready.
• If you know for a fact he wants to kiss you - for instance, he's told your friends - but he's just nervous, don't be afraid to ASK him! It does work.
• If you don't mind having an impersonal first kiss, join in on a game of Truth or Dare. The most popular dare is to kiss someone. Be warned though: you may end up kissing someone you don't much fancy (unless you get a friend to dare your crush to kiss you). The same is true for Spin the Bottle.
• Avoid kissing straight-on, noses may get in the way.
• Keep your eyes closed during a first kiss. It will be awkward to be cross-eyed looking at them while kissing. Also, it is rude to have your eyes open during a kiss. It might put the wrong message across, and make your partner think you are criticizing his kissing.
• If you ever feel uncomfortable, then maybe it's not the right person.
• Do not worry about details - how much to tilt your head, when to close your eyes, how long to stay, etc. Everyone has intuition and kissing is a very intuitive activity. It will all turn out fine.
• Don't just kiss someone out of the blue to see what its like to kiss, have your first kiss with someone you love.

Warnings

Kiss here I mean is about the "real" kiss. So, kiss happening between kids and parents is not what we  talk about today. Obviously, we talk about kiss while love happens with. It's that kind of kiss that I called it the real one.

Actually, now, I'm being a little bit ashamed for a cruel fact that I still don't know what first kiss the hell is, though I talk loudly about it. I don't know what taste of the first kiss, either.

Tonight, I put up a sentence "Hope you could remember the feelings when I stole a kiss from you" as a private message in IM software. Then after a few hours, a female friend sent me a surprising emotion and asked me whom I kissed. I told here it's not her and asked her to guess. Of course she didn't know about it. She just repeated what I typed before and asked whether it's true. I replied with a word "undeserved".

"What's going on?" she asked.

"I just copied a sentence from a webpage here," I said.

"Are you touched very much by this sentence?" she asked.

"Yes,".

"How?"

"So many feelings,".

"Do you yearn for this kind of feeling so much? Or you ever did the same thing as it says?"

"Never. Just wonder what the hell that kind of feeling is,".

"It must be a kind of feeling that is very, very nice and sweet,".

"I trust your conclusion,".

"Trusting me or not has nothing to do with this," she laughed. "You'd better experience it."

"What I could do is only this. No other option. You don't give me a chance to get an experience,".

"I have nothing to do with this, don't I?"

"Because you asked me as the first one,".

"So you would ask the one for something if he or she asked you?"

"Exactly. I have no better choice,".

"I asked you for it because you asked," I added that.

"Then let K ask,".

"Why she?"

"You like K. Everybody knows that," she said. "It's a good chance to make you two being together."

"Come on, X. I hate you a bit. You don't take the responsibility, but set her up."

"Hah, hah, hah!"

"…"

Like what I wrote above, I first titled this entry First Kiss. Because if I had a kiss, it would be the first kiss of mine. I gave a word FIRST to express my thirsty. Then, while I was writing, word by word, it's changed to Stolen Kiss as the title. For STOLEN is nicer than FIRST. The more important thing is I could only steal it if I want to know what it is. It sounds very strange. I also think so. But I can't find a better expression to tell my feelings.

If I go to steal a kiss right now, it will be my first kiss. That's it. Although the title is about STOLEN, I would like to know what my first kiss is more. In other words, STOLEN is just a form. While FIRST means the matter of it.

Steal… It sounds illegal.

Why steal?

Because the one you want to kiss won't let you kiss her or she's not very willing to kissed by you. You can't do it by force. But you don't want to give up. So you steal.

Sorry, full of disordered logistic in my words. I even don't know what the hell I would like to tell. Well, I'll tell a story to end tonight's writing. Next time I want to talk about First Kiss seriously.

It's the story that the word STOLEN came to my head. It's a love story and of course still continues with its own way.

The leading actor is a girl. Calling her the leading actress is more precise. Accidently, she met a boy and stayed with him for several hours because they needed to work for something together. But just because of this, this girl was clicked. She fell in love with that boy. While at that time, the boy didn't think so. It seems the girl was carrying the torch with much confidence. It really was then.

The girl told the boy that she loved him. And he didn't accept it. But the girl didn't want to give up. She took actions with being active and brave. She sent some ambiguous short messages containing love information to the boy every day. She dated him on her own initiative. Even, she would kiss the boy suddenly at the moment when they were just friends. She succeeded to do it several times. It made the boy shamefaced.

But the girl was happy. She stole kisses from the boy. She thought it as the expression of her loving him. A girl would like to kiss the boy and had to get it by stealing it with making a surprise attack. It's so funny, right? People said her very brave. So did I.

Besides, I associate it with some other words. Minx, debauchery, profligacy… Oh, my God! What am I thinking? As a boy, I'm telling a story about a girl chasing a boy. It's just about pure love matters. But I…

Sorry, I didn't mean it. I nearly messed it up.

This time I added a song as background music before the first paragraph began. It's From Silence, a film theme of Platonic Sex, one of Ai JiMa's movies. I don't say I like the movie. I mean I'm fond of that song.

Click on the icon to play it.

We are family.

That's what I'd like to tell you, as the little brother.

Whatever happens, whenever it is or wherever we are, we are family. Always. I'm sure of it. You're Dad and Mum's son, sister-in-law's husband and my brother. That can't be denied. We are in a family. Everyone in the family loves each other because we are family. That's family love. It won't fade as time flies.

We are together.

That's what I'd like to tell you, as someone who lives together with you.

Whatever it will happen, we get it through together. We live together, we think together, we talk together, and we could do everything together if needed. We wouldn't give anyone up. We family couldn't be broken up.

Since we are family and we are together, you wouldn't be alone. It's not wise to think about something only on your side. We care about you, and you should care about us, also. That's what human beings should do. Your living and life is not only yours. Even, it belongs to all of us. Every word you say, or everything you do, also influences everyone of us.

The most important thing for us is everyone in the family lives peacefully, healthily and happily. We should be able to enjoy life and love together. Money, wealth and social things, all these are just a matter of vanity. We need everyone to be fine forever.

We need communication. We can share anything. We don't need to conceal what we think in our deep heart. You can tell us anything you think of in your mind. Whatever it's good or bad, beautiful or ugly, we are here to be ready to listen to. There's nothing you can't talk about to us. We never laughed at you, blamed you or ignored you. We'll never do that. So just trust us.

As a man, certainly, he should perform well outside and get so much on his career. It would be very fine if he were a hero. However, it couldn't mean all. A man also has his family. Family is also what he needs to care about. Besides things of love, it's also his responsibility. Anyone who has an imperfect family can't be perfect. No matter how rich he is, what high level position he gets or how powerful he can be. That's because he's first parents' son, wife's husband and kid's father. He can't leave them alone. He can't "hurt" himself on purpose because his family would be so sad if they saw him be hurt.

When you have some trouble, or you're unhappy, you could tell it to us. Even if we can't handle it for you, at least we can say something to comfort you. Yes, as you said, I couldn't help you on things you need help on. I'm sorry for it. I don't hold much money, power or enough abilities. But I can accompany you. That's what I could do. And of course I'll do it as long as it's necessary. I just don't want you to face troubles and challenges alone.

We know you've done a lot to us. You've contributed everything of you to the family. So we never require anything of you. We're not qualified to ask for anything. Please don't be so self-condemned. You should have given yourself too much pressure. Many faulty things are not because of your fault. You've try your best. We're clear about it. We trust you. Then please trust us, too.

Wine can make one happy and even excited. And it can also make one painful. It can even make one speak out some words and carry out something that he doesn't mean to do it if he's sober. If at this moment, it would be poison. So please don't drink too much wine when you need to keep clear-headed and efficient. It's not helpful to your work. A drunken man usually does incorrect things after he's drunken. That's not good. We all know wine can't solve problems. Too much wine could just take more worries to us. Why not keep fit to reply to the world?

Life is beautiful because of our being family and together. Whatever happens, just remember, we are here with you.

You're not alone. Never.

I wanna get back -- this is my current MSN personal message. I typed it in MSN to let contacts see how I wanna get back.

Yes, I wanna get back. Though I just left there for fewer than three months. Every day, my mind helps me recollect memories of the right past several years on campus. But it can't tell me how I wanna get back. No one knows my thirst for getting back. Even if they are my closest university friends.

One evening last week, I called one of my buddies at university when I was in a hotel's room. A few hours ago, he sent me a short message to ask me whether I would go to Beijing to take my CPA test this year. And luckily, it's free to make domestic long distance calls in the hotel. So I determined to rang him up and told him my plan.

After telling him I wouldn't have free time to come for the test, we began to ask each other's recent situation. To my surprise, I was told that some other buddies lived together with him in his rented apartment. But before, I thought he lived there alone. It means they being together again. They can get up together, go out together, drink wine together and play poke together. The most important thing is they can enjoy happy hours together again just like they did at university. It seems they get back to the dormitories of university. That's so cool! After hearing that, I couldn't help envying them.

They could get back to dormitory time. But to me, obviously, it's impossible at all. In a city far from Beijing, I have to continue my life. Once one chooses to leave, it's hard to get back. I'm clear about that. I just don't reconcile to let it go.

So on the line, I was standing alone while they handed on the phone to one another in the other side. We burst into laughter at times while speaking each other's ashamed things out. I just controlled myself keep high. I didn't want them to hear me being unhappy. I laughed and laughed.

When they asked me when I would "travel" to Beijing, I replied that I would if only time was available. I meant to tell them I might not be able to come this year for busy working time arrangement. But I didn't do that. Hope is important to us. We all have much hope of one day when we meet again. So why did I quench hearts filled with hope?

After experiencing many weeks without campus and buddies, I'm somewhat upset. I keep on warning myself to be placid. I need to relax. I need to accept what I see in my eyes. Many of my friends must know my will. Because I have been telling them I wanna get back to Beijing. And I wanna get back to the past more.

I'll be back, may I?

There is such a boy of a kind in every girl's life. He doesn't belong to love. He isn't her boyfriend, either.

However, there must be a place for him within the nearest distance from herself.

She will be bursting to show it to him when she sees some pretty things. She will be bursting to copy it from her MP3 to him when she listens a beautiful song. She will be bursting to buy two and one for him when she finds nice notebooks, though he doesn't like pink strawberries. She will send SMS to him firstly when she is about to cry. She will go to contact him firstly when she is quarrelling with her boyfriend.

Although it's unknown that when he will disappear from her life to be a prince of another girl and that girl will be princess owing to him, every girl exhausts herself to enjoy, consume and empty him and everything he takes greedily during the days when he still stays within the nearest distance from herself.

Every girl all becomes gentle, nice and considerate in the body of such a boy.

Though a perfect girl herself after that has nothing to do with this boy yet.

But such feelings are always something that exceeds love.

                                                                                                                              

Half an hour ago, I found some fascinating words when I searched music. It's someone's signature article in a forum. When I read those words, I mean Chinese characters, I suddenly found something in my eyes. I was moved by them. Those words were about ambiguity, confidant and something like that.

Although it was written about what a boy is for a girl, I think it can be applied commonly. Each boy/girl maybe owns a girl/boy like that. And of course, so do I. So on glimpsing through those sentences, I sympathized with the contents. It seems it's writing my situation.

I have published its original version in my another space which is written in Chinese. Now I translate it to English and put it up above. Those sentences are not the most beautiful, but really meaningful.

And before posting it here, I meant to send it to someone. But unfortunately, she seems not to be in touch tonight.

Sometimes, I hate the world somehow as God plays tricks on us. Two have feelings for each other and even they were ever in a relationship, they can't live together eventually. Even if they still love each other. That's what God does to us, if God really exists. We are fortune's fool, aren't we?

It's difficult to explain how these ones come. They don't belong to friends or lovers. But these special relationships do exist.And many of us were or are trapped in such a relationship. We don't know whether it's sweet or not. We just can't escape from such a trap. Even when we have known its unhappy ending, we are still enjoying it. Funny.

We know we can't be able to retain it one day. We also know we will let it go one day. However, we are not willing to break away from it. We all need it, don't we?

After a whole night's train travel, I got home this morning. Everything has changed through a dark night. Just less than 24 hours passed, now what I see is not the same as yesterday. I changed. She changed. Everyone changed, in fact.

Yesterday, I was still walking on the campus as a graduate. I was still living in Beijing. I was still talking with my friends. But today, now, I'm home. I'm not a college student any more. From now on, I have to get used to live in another city. Although I'm not willing to accept everything seen in my eyes, I have no choice. It's clearly that I can't get back. I wish I could do that. But obviously, I could just make that stay in my dream. All those days and things have been memories. I know I can recollect those memories. Whether those memories in my brain are sweet or not, I'm sure I will recall some of them on some days.To my sadness, I can't continue my memories. They are just memories. They won't go on.

So I have to say "Farewell". When I wrote the title "Farewell" here, I was trying my best to keep me from thinking about what farewell is. I chose to say farewell here, not in the place where we were just because I wouldn't control my tears if I had done that yesterday when I left. No one would like to talk about farewell. No one wished farewell to come. We were staring at farewell approaching.

Now it comes eventually. Farewell has been the fact.

"Is this our farewell?", I asked myself at times. Maybe not. But the fact is, there's nothing but silence now. I'm alone in my life. I think I am. You can see the sadness in my eyes. I feel so lost now when you're not by my side. I'm worry too much.

Did we have no time say goodbye. Of course we did. But we didn't say goodbye seriously. We didn't give each other a farewell in arms. I didn't kiss you goodbye, either. Instead, we were just saying"I'm about to leave". We didn't cry or express being sad. To us, it seemed nothing happened.

So, this is our farewell. But within our diction, there's no farewell.

Baby, you don't understand.

That's what I always want to tell you. I always put it in my mind. I always try not to reveal my feelings from my deep heart. I try my best to let you see an "always" me. I behave what you want me to behave. I dare not change suddenly. I dare not go further within our relationship, which you said it would be dangerous if I did it. But this time, I must tell you what I think in my mind immediately. Because I'm afraid I won't have the opportunity to tell you in future.

Baby, you don't understand who you are in my mind.

Baby, you don't understand who I am in your mind.

Baby, you don't understand why I am always concerned about you.

Baby, you don't understand how much I miss you every day.

Baby, you don't understand in my deep heart, there is an irreplaceable place for you.

Baby, you don't understand you have meant something to me since we met the first time.

Baby, you don't understand I'm worried about one day I will be what kind of person if without you.

There are a lot of "you don't understand" that you don't understand. Absolutely. And I must haven't understood you a lot. Or I would be able to help you understand me.

I don't know your status recently. I don't know whether you are in a relationship with the same one or another, or even you are single for the time being. I don't care. I just want to spend more seconds with you as possible as we can during the rest days before graduation. I'm sure this is not the last time we meet. We will be able to meet during our whole lifetime. We can contact each other. And I believe that we will keep in touch, just like what we did when holidays at university. However, contacting someone is different from meeting someone. I mean meeting you face to face and hand in hand. Do you understand? The fact is, I'm sure from now on, the times that we meet in real life will be fewer and fewer.

To my sadness, for this point above, you don't understand, either. Sigh.

Last year, you asked me whether I had feelings for you in an unusual night when we chatted via IM. That night, we talked about some "deep" problems, including friendship, relationship and love. All of these were due to a few days before you told me you broke up with someone firmly and just a few hours before we chatted someone told me he saw you and someone embracing. I remembered that you asked me that question in English. I wasn't very sure of your question. So I asked you to said it again in Chinese. But you just kept silent and never gave me a chance to speak it out. Why did you look forward to my answer? Had you know the answer in your mind? If you thought you had got the answer, what it was in your mind? I didn't know what to answer you at that time. And I still don't get the answer myself.

Now, when we nearly graduate, I won't mean to talk about that troublesome problem. I won't talk anything about relationship with you. You may not ask me about those things. We both don't want to make us get into an embarrassing situation. We have already agreed on that point. We both know breaking the ice unilaterally is dangerous. We both try our best to keep everything between us unchanged. So, during the days before we graduate, I will treat you as a friend, a best friend. In fact, I do it all the times. Please trust me.

So why don't you reply to me? I sent you many short messages. But you didn't reply. I need your response, baby. I don't know what you are doing these days. I don't know whether you are busy.

It seems you are the second person who didn't reply to my SMS. For any other who doesn't reply, I don't care. It means little to me. But for you, it means a lot. It seems you get used to keeping silent sometimes when I contact you.

Since you didn't reply to my message, I thought you got something wrong. And I began to worry about you, even your safety. But now, it seems not. You are safe. After seeing you online, I knew you were fine. But I don't understand why you don't talk to me. Now that you have free time to play online games, you should be fine and could be able to talk to me. Why?

You don't know how much I care about you. You don't know how much I cherish you. You don't know how much I want to see you. You don't know how much I want to talk to you. You don't know how much I wish to give you a hug before graduation. You just do nothing. I would rather believe it's because your slipshod character and personality. I can't imagine what I will do if you really mean to do it. Maybe you don't understand you mean a lot to me.

Otherwise, you wouldn't give me such a farewell. Baby, you don't understand, do you?

No matter what changed or will change, we will always love our FATHERS forever.

I love this above picture very much. And this is the second time I have ever used it in entries of this space. It's full of love, joy and understanding. I always think so.

Today is Fathers' Day. For China, it's an exotic festival. Meanwhile, it's not popular enough or generally accepted by Chinese people. It's just popular on the Internet and among the youth. And even if we know it's Fathers' Day today, we wouldn't say "Happy Fathers' Day" or "I love you, Dad" to our fathers. We don't express love or feelings directly and intensively in public. It seems not accordant with our tradition. Maybe this is cultural difference.

Today, in a place which is more than one thousand kilometers far away from home, I expressed nothing to Dad. I didn't say "I love you" to Dad. I didn't mail a present to Dad. I did nothing. Because of my business, what I talked about with Dad recently were all about employment and graduation. We just talked about business, not love. Although we didn't say nothing about love between a father and a son, I could still feel deeply love from Dad with his each word and expression. I could read his loving me.

Dad never said "Sweetheart, I love you". Dad never kissed me. Those styles are beyond Chinese styles. Dad just told me he loves me by doing whatever he can to love me. I know Dad's loving me. Dad is concerned about my job and further education. He is worried about my future. But he never tells me his worry. He just encourages me and gives me much important advice at all times. Each time when I fail, Dad always tells me there is a promising future waiting for me, which drives me to work hard to move forward. "Keep moving and you will succeed one day," Dad says to me.

Without Dad, I can't imagine what I were today. For me, Dad is not only Dad, I'm aware of that. Besides, I'm aware of Dad's increasing number of nearly white hairs.

The world is changing. Time can make something changed with days passing by. While economy develops, many have faded. However, definitely, "No matter what changed or will change, we will always love our FATHERS forever." That's what I wrote as a comment below someone's blog entry. I believe I really do.

It's not an apology. But it's more than an apology. I really mean it.

Last December, I said sorry to everyone. Now I have to say sorry here once again. I have to say sorry to my parents, my family and those people who are always caring about me and my study.

I remember that I said I would apologize if I let you down. Now I'm really letting you down. What can I say?

The day before yesterday, Dad talked to me on the phone. He asked me about the current news on my scores in the Graduate Candidate Test. I didn't know how to respond. I just told him I did it ugly and it's not likely for me to enter graduate school this year. Dad also asked me about what happened and what I did in the several days after I came back to university. I said no new information.

I know you are always concerning about my growing up. And I also know you wanted to hear of some good news when you made the phone call. You were trying to be happy and full of hope. You wish that I would be a graduate student this year, or if not, next year. I know how strong your wish is.

But sorry, Dad. What I gave you was all about bad news. I am letting you down. I seldom let you down in the past twenty years. However, this time, I really let you down, seriously. You tried to keep good mood on the line and continued to encourage me. But I know you was sad and your heart was hurt.

Most times, I did well in the examinations. But for the Graduate Candidate Test, I couldn't give you my word. Because I was not sure about it. I know you and the family looked forward to my success. And all of you wanted to see me being confident, like I usually was before. Terribly, I couldn't and I didn't promise to you at that time.

I got high level of scores in the College Entrance Examination and successfully entered a famous university. Seen from the admission standard, it is absolutely one of the first-class universities in Mainland China. You must want to see it happen to me again. You must have dreamed of your child being a would-be graduate student in a famous university. Unfortunately, you "have to" be disappointed this time.

I hadn't finished the trial well. I called it a trial because it's really a trial to me. For me, the fact I didn't perform well enough and can't enter a graduate school, it's a failure; for you, it's a hit, which impacts on you heavily. It's a bit painful to you.

What I am telling you is not for begging you for your pardon. You don't need to try to forgive me. Because it's unforgivable. It's hard for you to say something.

I just want to tell you I know I wasn't doing my best to handle everything. I still have to work hard. I still have much potential, I believe that.

And Dad, of course, I love you, always.

Let me sleep

For when I sleep I dream that you're here

You're mine and all my fears are left behind

I float on air and nightingale sings a gentle lullaby

So let me close my eyes

And sleep a chance to dream

So I can see the face I long to touch, to kiss

But only dreams can bring me this

so let the moon shine softly on the girl I long to see

And maybe when she dreams she'll dream of me

And high beneath the clouds

I'd whisper to the evening stars

They tell me love is just a dream away, dream away

A dream away

So let the moon shine softly on the girl I long to see

And maybe when she dreams she'll dream of me

Oh dream of me